Stresssss

Agggggg I am so stressed. There is way too much happening now. I'm taking the ACT Saturday (I hate the concepts of standardized tests) and then I have the SAT subject tests just 2 weeks after that and there are APs to prepare for and finals and essays and tests and since I'm so stressed I've just given up on all of it. Wow. That was a huge run on sentence. Plus, my AP teachers have not done as good of a job as my AP teacher last year, so I feel completely unprepared (I know it's also my fault because I haven't been doing as much as I could be). Anyway, that's why I haven't been blogging. But it's not like I actually do anything more productive, so while I'm procrastinating, I might as well be doing something cool like blogging, right? I always just do the bare minimum (or less) of homework for the next day and leave all of the rest of it for weekends, but then I get stressed because I can't do anything with my friends because I have too much homework.

 Also, I'm in a play! Which is totally fun! I have a super minor role which is good because it gives me more time to do homework and such, but I still have a speaking part so it's exciting! And I get to interact with people who I really want to be friends with, which comes at a perfect time because I am loosing most of the rest of my friendships. :/

I also learned yesterday that women do not have equal rights under the constitution as men. I am honestly shocked that people wouldn't support equal rights, regardless of sex. Even some women don't support it. The arguments against it are: no more single sex bathrooms or schools, the draft, and getting rid of traditional female roles in the home. Like, gah people are stupid. What do you guys think of this? Is this common in countries other than the US?

OK, thanks for reading my word spew.

I'm Sorry! But Now I'm Back

I know, its been forever. Good thing I don’t have any readers anxiously waiting for my posts. I just haven’t felt inspired to write or do art or really do anything that I could share on my blog. I haven’t even been inspired to bake. It’s been a listless month. Even my grades are slipping. Now look at me, I’m using this post to complain to you. That’s why I didn’t write a post in the past few weeks. I knew it would be all sad and mopey. Ok, so a quick update on my life (I’m only sharing the happy parts).

I’m applying for a summer apprenticeship where I would be paid to help make a ceramic mosaic for a public building in my city. (I don’t know if I’ll get this, but I really want to)

Remember the scholastic art award I was talking about in this post? My chicken poster won a silver key nationally! That means I can maybe go to NYC for the awards ceremony (depending on if there’s enough tickets and how much it would cost). So I’m super excited for that.

I guess I have been creating a little bit. My friend and I have been anonymously making paper cranes and hanging them in a tree at school.The two of us have turned this speech by Neil Gaiman into our motto: make good art from bad things. I like making art that nobody knows was me.

We’re going to DC for spring break! My family hasn’t taken a vacation (excepting camping and family visits) for a reeeaaaally long time and I’ve never been anywhere further east than Texas. 

I’ll be volunteering at my library this summer. I haven’t volunteered there since I was 12 because I kept missing the deadlines, but I AM NOT missing the deadline this year.

I read this super awesome book of short stories yesterday that was very very open about lesbian, gay, and transsexual relationships (like that was the whole point of the book). So much feels from this book. Disclaimer: a few of the stories were very explicit. By the way, the book was called How Beautiful the Ordinary. 

I got bangs! It was kind of a compromise with myself to keep myself from shaving my head… But I really really like them. And I really really like that if I straighten them flat they start to cover my eyes. It makes me feel like I can actually hide from the world.

I went out to dinner the other night with my friends (?). I dunno if I’d still call them my friends… Anyway, it was amazing. It was the first time in a month or so that I really felt accepted by all of them and it was hilarious. There were lots of pepper antics. Like, involving pepper and water on the table and the pepper randomly appearing in piles. Yes, we're immature. 

Ok, that’s it. I’ll try to post more regularly. Look at the pretty art:

I am a contradiction.

I am a contradiction.

By society’s standards, everything about me is a contradiction. The idea that I am a contradiction is a contradiction.

I am a girl who sometimes likes other girls.

I am feminist, but I don’t get offended that words like “pussy” are insults.

I am a nerd, but I don’t like Dungeons and Dragons or video games or math or programming.

For the past three years, I have the best grades in science, but science is my least favorite subject.

I love art but can’t draw without a teacher helping me.

My favorite type of music is country, but I don’t believe in God or beer or trucks.

My Pandora shuffle is a mix of country, rap, and 90s rock, but as I am writing this, I am listening to Call Me Maybe.

I want to be independent, but I need the love of others so much.

I’m over my ex, but I still cry about him at night.

I’ve cried because I don’t have things I need to fit in with a cowboy crowd, but when I spend time with this same cowboy crowd, I purposefully dress like a city girl.

I always act happy, but a lot of the time I am about to cry.

I don’t cry, ever, except when no one can see me.

I am shy, but I love to perform in plays or give speeches. But I hate to give speeches for people I know.

I giggle, but my laugh is harsh.

I love to dance in crowds, but being in a crowd stresses me out.

Seeing people in love makes me so happy, but seeing people in love makes me sad and mad.

I am always cold except when everyone around me is cold.

I want people to ask how I am, but when they do, I lie.

I really want to just go to college already, but I really don’t want to go to college.

I love animals but would never want to be a vet.

I want flawless skin, but I love the stories that my scars tell.

I love my boobs, but I wear clothes that de-emphasize them.

I love my long hair but want to shave half of it off, and I love that my hair is red but want to dye it all bright purple.

I don’t like to draw attention, but my favorite pants are a pair of bright blue high-waisted shorts.

I am a ginger that has a soul.

Do these contradictions make me human? Or do they mean that I have a broader insight? Or are they as crazy-weird as I think they are?

All I really know is that these contradictions added together mean that I don’t really know where I fit in. Does anyone else feel like this? Anyways, sorry for the angsty-ness of this post, hopefully you at least learned something about me.

I Wear Makeup to Rebel

I wear make up to rebel.

Wait, what? Is that even possible? Everybody wears makeup. It’s so mainstream. How is wearing it rebelling? Yes, I did just say that I wear makeup to rebel. And yes, it’s true. I am a redhead, and I have all of the vampire-esque features that go along with it: very pale skin, and, well, very pale skin. I also have blond eyebrows and eyelashes. This combination of features led me to fear makeup for the first 15 years of my existence.

Then, when I was 16 I finally asked my mom if I could get some BB cream. That was terrifying. My mom wears a liquid foundation and fills in her eyebrows and that’s it. My dad has always told me and my sister that makeup is ugly. So I did my research and decided that BB cream was a good first product because it’s so minimal. We went to Target and bought the first BB cream we could find. It’s probably a crap brand, but I didn't (and still don't) know better, and now I had my first makeup.

Fast forward 6 months and I wear dark (considering my pale-ness) eye makeup. Now, I will not sacrifice my sleep to wear makeup, so I usually only wear makeup a few times a week, and I like that. I don’t want people to cringe when they see my real face, and I don’t want to hide behind products. However, I also really like wearing something bold on my eyes. I love to wear my black mascara, and I wear it heavily. I also like filling in my eyebrows so that they are actually visible. I even like playing with eyeliner.

Now, this probably doesn't sound very dramatic, but it feels intense to me since I am still new to this whole slathering stuff on my face and on the hairs on my face. I like how my eyelashes are visible when they are black, and how I can show expressions better when my eyebrows are filled in. But most of all, I like how the darkness feels bold.

The first time I wore mascara, my dad asked if I was wearing “eyelash stuff”. When I said yes, he made a noise of disapproval. Wearing makeup is a way for me to show that I don’t care what my parents think about my style. I probably don’t apply it well since I've never been taught how to put on makeup, but wearing it anyway is a way to rebel against other students’ expectations. I was afraid of makeup for so long because I thought it would look foreign, but now I am so happy that I have finally taken the leap into the world of makeup and the exotic look that comes from wearing it is what I like the best. 

Turn Your Day Around

Yesterday sucked. So did today, until 7th period. However, I don't want to dwell on the sucky-ness. Days that suck happen (now more often than they used to);they're just a part of life. Something else that really should become a part of life is making these sucky days into good, or even great, ones. And I've figured out how. At least, how for me. Be with people that make you laugh. I have friends, who I love, but recently, even they can't make me laugh. So today during 7th period I hung out with someone different. I found this girl (she was called Annie in my first post, so I'll keep with that pseudonym) and we just talked and laughed all during 7th period. Then 8th period happened (yay for double frees!) and I stayed with her instead of finding my other friends and we met up with some of her friends and I really just had a great time. We built two snowmans and we erased dirt off of the bottom of shoes and I laughed more than I had for a while. And it was wonderful. I'm always scared of branching out and meeting new people, but that's what I needed today. There's lesson learned.

On another note: my family has a tradition of going out for ice cream if my sister and I get good grades on our report cards (never haven't), so last night we branched out a bit and went to an italien gelatto place. It was sooo good, and way creamier than ice cream. So there's that.

And tomorrow's Winter Ball, so I'm really looking forward to all of the awkwardness that will come from that (sarcasm here people). (I'm sarcastic a lot). (I also use parenthesis a lot). (Like, way too much). (Like, this needs to stop now). (Ok, for real: now).